A Father’s Newfound Feminism

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00:00

[chimes sounding]

00:05

[doorbell rings]

00:06

Jackson is it?

00:08

Fine, whatever.

00:11

Look here, pal.

00:12

I’ve got something to say.

00:14

I too was a 16-year-old boy once.

00:17

I’m not an idiot, I know how this works.

00:19

I’m glad that you and Raina are having fun together.

00:22

But listen up, buddy.

00:23

And listen good.

00:24

It’s 2020, and if you do anything to hurt my daughter

00:28

I swear to god I will be concerned and disappointed,

00:32

but ultimately step back

00:34

and let her navigate her own emotional growth.

00:38

Here’s the goddamn deal, Jackson.

00:40

By all mean, nervously come over to our house

00:43

with weird flowers, pick Raina up, and show her a nice time.

00:47

But know this, at every moment I am watching

00:52

myself and actively resisting my ingrained urge

00:55

to infantilize my daughter and deny her a normal

00:58

and healthy evolution into mature adulthood.

01:01

Got it?

01:02

Good.

01:03

So every time you two lovebirds

01:05

go out for frozen yogurt and a movie,

01:06

I want you to remember this,

01:09

I will be sitting on the front porch with my Revolver

01:12

CD playing because I really love that wonderful album.

01:16

And you bet your scrawny ass

01:18

I’ll be ready and waiting

01:20

to hear about which film you guys saw,

01:22

and whether you liked it.

01:23

[Woman] Turns out dogs can’t drive.

01:25

[Dad] See champ.

01:27

If I ever, ever learn that you made my daughter cry,

01:31

or caused her any kind of distress,

01:33

I swear on my goddamn life that I will hunt you down

01:37

a nice card so that you can write her a proper apology

01:40

because we all mess up from time to time,

01:42

especially as young people.

01:43

And furthermore, I need to accept

01:46

that I don’t have the ability to shield her from all pain,

01:49

which is an inevitable part of life.

01:51

And even if I did, I would only be hindering

01:54

her development of coping strategies.

01:56

[daughter roars]

01:57

You got that, chief?

01:58

A lot of boys out there, Jackson.

02:00

Yup.

02:01

Don’t think I don’t see ’em.

02:02

They’re on her dodge ball team.

02:04

They’re at parties.

02:05

They’re chatsnapping her nonstop.

02:07

And if you want my honest opinion,

02:09

no boy will ever be good enough for my princess

02:12

is a thing I’d say if I didn’t acknowledge

02:15

that princess is a fundamentally patronizing epithet.

02:18

And there are probably numerous boys

02:20

who are good enough for her

02:20

because that’s how dating tends to work.

02:23

I leave it to Raina to decide

02:25

whether someone’s good enough for her or not.

02:27

She seems to have decided that you are

02:29

and that is her prerogative, and nice for you.

02:32

Look pal, this is not easy for me!

02:35

The minute Raina was born she was daddy’s little girl.

02:38

However, I mean that only literally!

02:40

She was a physically small human

02:41

and her DNA strongly suggested that she was my kid.

02:44

It still does, but after a point,

02:46

that mentality is weird and gross.

02:48

And now I just nervously give her driving lessons

02:51

and proofread her essays, fuck!

02:53

And we go to basketball games,

02:54

and argue about the plausibility

02:55

of most of the plot points of Riverdale.

02:57

Any questions?

02:59

Would you like to stay for dinner?

03:01

I’m making some eggplant thing from a book!

03:03

[bell dings]

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