S.O.S.

Uncategorized

Hi, my name’s Greg. How can I help you?

Hi, Greg, my name’s Noah. I’m having trouble with my computer.

What’s the trouble, Noah?

My screen is frozen.

O.K., Noah, let’s try this. Do you see the System Preferences?

No, where’s that?

In the toolbar.

Where’s the toolbar?

Under the Elements column.

I see something called View.

It should be four down from View.

O.K.

Found it?

Yes.

Click on the Apple icon and scroll down to System Preferences.

O.K.

Do you see something that looks like a pie?

There’s nothing there.

. . .

Here’s what I want you to do. Do you see a chair?

I’m sitting in one.

. . .

Hello?

Is there another chair?

There’s another chair, yes.

. . .

It has cushions. Is that O.K.?

. . .

Hello?

I want you to look underneath it.

O.K.

Are you underneath it?

I’m under the chair.

Why?

I thought I was supposed to . . .

🙂 Let’s try this. Is there a couch?

Yes.

Hmm . . . What’s in the other direction?

A window.

O.K., let’s try something else. Is your System Preferences open?

Should I get back in my chair?

The original chair, yes.

O.K., I’m here.

See if your S.P. is opened up on your desktop.

S.P.?

. . .

Oh, wait, I just figured that out.

🙂

Just a minute. O.K., it’s open.

. . .

Hello?

O.K., what operating system are you working on?

I don’t know.

O.K., Noah, do you see the wall in front of you?

Yes.

Go over to it.

. . .

Are you there?

Yes, just had to come back and get the computer.

No worries.

I’m at the wall.

Does it open?

The wall?

🙂

It doesn’t.

Put your hand on the wall.

O.K. It’s on.

Say “Open sesame.” 🙂

O.K.

Did a secret portal open?

No.

. . .

Hello?

I’m here. O.K., I want you to update your system.

How do I do that?

Are you able to lick your computer?

I mean, yeah, but . . .

Lick the screen.

Just, like . . . lick?

Yes.

O.K.

. . .

It tastes like—

Citrusy?

No, like a—

Now, press very hard on the wall.

O.K. I’m pressing.

Now, stamp your feet.

O.K.

Did it open?

Something did, yes.

Good. Here’s what you need to do. Walk in.

It’s narrow.

. . .

Hello?

Can you crawl?

I can try.

Let me know when you’re inside the wall.

O.K., I’m inside the wall.

. . .

Hello?

Where are you now?

As I said—

There should be a lever.

Yes, let me just pull—

DON’T PULL THE LEVER!

I already pulled the lever.

🙁

Hello?

. . .

Hello?

Is there a gnome?

Oh, I don’t . . . let me see . . . I think actually . . . Yes, there’s now a gnome.

Do not ask him to take you to the cyclops.

Asking . . .

DO NOT.

Oh, sorry, I asked him.

What did he say?!

He’s considering it.

In the meantime, scroll over to your Apple menu.

O.K. . . .

You with me?

Yes.

Are all your updates up to date? 🙂

Hold on, the gnome is saying something . . .

No worries.

He’s asking for a gold coin.

O.K., do you have Apple Pay?

I don’t.

Scroll over to the—

He says I must answer a riddle if I want to pass.

Just a minute . . . 🙂

Hello?

. . .

Hello?

O.K., what is the riddle?

“What has four suns but only one moon?”

. . .

Hello?

. . .

He’s getting really angry.

I’m here.

Do you know the answer to the riddle?

Is it an anagram?

I have no idea!

. . .

He’s cursing and waving a scythe at me.

Let’s try this . . .

O.K., I gave him my watch, which has calmed him down momentarily.

Do you see the menu bar?

Uh, yeah . . .

Click on that.

O.K., I’m trying to talk him down.

Hit him with your computer.

Like, just . . . ?

HIT HIM WITH YOUR COMPUTER.

O.K., I did.

Did that work?

He’s stunned, but not for long, I fear.

Go back to the menu bar.

O.K.

Do you see a skull icon?

I do.

Click on that.

He’s coming at me with the scythe!

O.K., on your right, do you see a chest?

Next to the human skeleton, yes.

Open the chest.

O.K.

Do you see a broadsword?

Hold on . . . Yes.

Pick it up.

O.K.

. . .

Hello?

Kill the gnome with it.

Can you hold on a minute?

Of course.

I killed a gnome.

🙂 Are you sure the gnome is dead? Because they’re tricksters and sometimes they play dead in order to surprise attack you at a later date.

He’s turning very old all of a sudden.

That means he’s dead.

O.K., good, I guess?

No, this is very bad luck.

Oh, shit.

And it means the cyclops will be coming posthaste.

O.K.

I want you to look around the neck of the dead gnome.

Looking . . .

🙂

O.K., I’m at the neck of the gnome corpse.

Is there a locket around his neck?

Let me . . . Yes . . .

Open it.

There’s some kind of potion?

O.K., good. I want you to drink that.

Really?

. . .

REALLY?!

Yes.

O.K.

. . .

It tastes horrible.

🙁

What now?

. . .

I don’t feel anything.

You will.

I see a spinning ball.

On your screen?

In the air.

It’s working.

It’s working.

Spaghetti legs?

🙂

I’ll wait.

c nag u aFegja”vk[[qrjAEI=

Have you shrunk down? You can answer me by jumping on the Y key with all of your might.

O.K., here’s what I want you to do. Are you able to communicate with your thoughts?

No, why would I?

🙂

Did you hear that?

Yes.

I’m communicating with my thoughts!

Now, do you see the headphone jack to the right of your computer?

Yes.

Go inside. And hurry—the cyclops can’t be too far behind.

O.K.

There should be a lot of metal and wires and things.

Yes.

Now, I want you to evaporate into pure energy.

How do I do that?

You tell me. 🙂

O.K.

Your corporeal body will be gone forever, but your soul and being will live on.

Get ready, Greg.

I’m ready, Noah.

It’s happening, Greg.

Is your screen still frozen?

I AM THE SCREEN.

🙂

. . .

I hope this has been helpful.

. . .

Would you mind taking a short survey to let us know how we’re doing? ♦

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *