Hello! I have never met you and now you are my best friend and I love you so much! I am the dog and I would love to give you a tour of my home, where I keep my toys and my food and my pet humans and now you live here, too, because you are my best friend! I own this house despite not only not knowing what a mortgage is but also not even really knowing what my name is, especially when called, eighty-five per cent of the time! I’ll answer to both everything and nothing! In fact, you can call me anything you want; just don’t call me late for dinner! Seriously, that is the only time I will bark and seem to love you a little less—oh, my God, just kidding, I would never love you less—I can’t live without you! Anyway, where were we . . .
Oh, right! My home! You can tell it’s mine because of the carpeting, which is made entirely of clumps of my fur spaced out in a way that paints a picture of a dog that knows how to use a shaving kit but not a trash can—and is also blindfolded but can smell something a good fifty feet away! I am able to achieve this randomized aesthetic result by simply walking or doing nothing! Just one of God’s great mysteries!
This home is perfect. Like they say, “Location, location . . . ” I forgot the third one because I just saw a dragonfly—who are you again? Oh, right, best friend! They always say that!
So, by the front door, you’ll notice that there’s a doormat! This doormat is great for getting my paws ready to wipe on the real mat, which is the wall! You might think that it’s inconvenient to wipe my paws on the wall, which is vertical, because of gravity! And it is! Let’s go to my living room, shall we?
The living room is the end of the couch where my pet humans used to put their feet up before I was able, gently, to set the example that that’s not what it’s for! Sure, it’s a small space, but it serves as ideal storage for my art materials! Yes, I am an artist, and all of my art projects are abstract! The medium I use is mainly my pet humans’ pillows, but I have recently begun working on my “Sock Series,” which dares to ask the question, “What would a sock look like with a large hole?”
Anyway, if we stay put, you’ll find my dining room! Yes, it is exactly where my living room is! I will not eat anywhere else but on this corner of the sofa! It’s very efficient to use this space for both my art projects and my food, despite having a spacious kitchen in which to eat! Plus, the crumbs on my “dining table” make for a great late-night snack when I refuse to go to bed! Sleeping is no fun. When I can’t sleep, I count sheep, but then I try to eat them and I wake up and run into a vase. There are always so many vases in my house!
Aaaaahhhhhh! Oh, sorry! You stopped petting me for a second, so I assumed you died! Anyway, on to the bedroom!
My bedroom is right here—the bottom half of this big bed! You’ll notice that I have a cushioned crate that’s a perfect size for me . . . to circle around and start howling in! I absolutely love doing this—it’s sort of my personal Calm app. Then I jump onto my real bed, where I sleep soundly, knowing that my pet people actually want to sleep on the couch! They spend their days rubbing their shoulders, which means they miss sleeping in ways that apply a lot (too much?—no such thing!) of pressure on their necks and they can’t wait till bedtime to do it all over again! I love them so much, and I show this by sneezing on them and screaming at them if they ever pay attention to my No. 1 (and only) enemy—their phones!
Right, I haven’t shown you the bathroom yet. This place is technically a two-bed, one-bath! And the bath? Why, it’s the whole house! It’s true! You can do anything anywhere! That’s the toilet! And that’s the toilet! And that’s the—well, actually, that’s my above-ground porcelain water bowl, so I’d prefer you didn’t do it there.
Thank you so much for joining me on my tour! Now, if you’d like to stick around, I’m going to make eye contact with you while I lick myself—I’ll politely ask that you not look away!