Goop Coronavirus Guide

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Hello, all! Your pal Gwyneth Paltrow here! Welcome to another issue of Goop. As you know, the world is in turmoil. But COVID-19 is a great equalizer. Young or old, rich or poor, we are all the same: rich, staying in a fifteen-thousand-square-foot home, remembering the time we starred in “Contagion.” As you adjust to your new life, we at Goop are with you every step of the way. Here’s our guide to quarantine essentials.

ORGANIC HAND SOAP ($170): If you’re anything like me, you use your hands all the time. Whether it’s weaving a lilac menstrual shawl or handing your child off to a nanny, your hands take the lead, and you need to protect them. Normal soap can be really irritating to hands that have never touched a large door or buckled an overall. Our Goop bar soap is made in a gentle oval shape so that you don’t cut the paper-thin skin of your hand on the sharp edges of a rectangle. Give that virus a piece of your mind like the badass mommy you are!

ALL-NATURAL DISINFECTING CLEANER ($390): We all know that we’re supposed to bleach our second kitchen’s tarragon forks twice a day, but bleach can be super harsh. This cleaner, made from purified H2O, rose hips, and saffron threads, is an all-natural alternative that’s light and fragrant and kills almost some of germs! Safe to use on prosciutto desks, wheat-free necklaces, and birthing tongs. Life hack: to increase germ-fighting power, just add a dash of this disinfectant to a gallon of bleach!

FIRST-RESPONDERS GRATITUDE TIARA ($1,875): It’s not easy to stand out from the crowd when you’re poking your head out the window, but this headwear will make you the belle of the plague. Our tiara, encrusted with rubies, diamonds, and blood diamonds, will make you feel feminine and brave every night as you clap from your Central Park-adjacent balcony for the selfless first responders!

CLAPPING PHONOGRAPH ($2,700): Quarantine can be stressful, especially if you’re cooped up with little ones. (I mean bills under fifty.) You might not even have time to clap for the first responders if you’re busy teaching your daughter to embroider #girlboss on the maid. This clapping phonograph is weather resistant and plays a ton of really awesome celebrity-clapping tracks—just set it on your veranda and let it do your gratitude for you! Throw on Lizzo’s clapping to get your groove on while you’re waiting for the nurses to do their freakin’ jobs!

BIRKIN LAMBSKIN FACE MASK ($120,000): The C.D.C. recommends wearing a mask and standing six feet away from others. But that doesn’t mean you have to stand six years behind the current fashion! This non-reusable face mask is made from a lamb’s mouth that has been expertly detoothed and molded to a human woman’s natural curves. Nearly three full lamb faces go into each mask. The lambskin’s natural oils will help keep your lips and philtrum as perfectly smooth as your yoni. And the best part? There is a hole in the middle, so you can show off your perfect lip color! MWAH!

MOTHER-OF-PEARL TEAR JAR ($470): Let’s face it—this corona stuff is sad! Let it out, girlfriend! This trinket jar is lined with mother-of-pearl harvested from bivalves that were mommies, so you know they care. Collect your daily tear in it and watch the colors shimmer. The tears will keep, so you can reuse them any day when you’re not quite “feeling” it. Also great for storing earrings or doubloons.

TUTOR VACUUM SEAL ($29,140): Feel overwhelmed that your child’s tutor can’t teach during lockdown? This easy-to-use vacuum seal will keep your little darling’s holistic-math teacher (only free-range variables!) germ-free so that she can keep coming to your house without risking your family’s health! Comes in three sizes: small, medium, and SAT.

CHAMPAGNE BIDET ($6,705): Toilet paper is still scarce, and everyone is looking for an eco-friendly way to cope. This bidet uses whatever you have lying around—champagne, California sparkling wine, whatever! My booty is so cultured now, it can tell the difference between a 2013 and a 2017 pinot gris!

OPEC MEMBERSHIP ($25,000,900-$50,001,700): The cost of oil has fallen so low that OPEC is actually considering individual membership! Available for either single membership ($25,000,900) or dual membership for couples ($50,001,700—save a hundred dollars!). Buy one for yourself, or gift it to your mom for Mother’s Day. Now that’s what I call essential oil!

COVID-19 VACCINE ($4,000,000,000): As we “splurgers” know, a vaccine already exists for people who can afford it. Included in the cost is a private stay at the U.S. naval base on Guam to have the shot administered and the injection site covered with a bandage made from the Shroud of Turin. Truly the gift to get the girl who has everything—especially COVID-19! ♦

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