Putin Warns That U.S. Will Be Controlled by Americans

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MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that his “darkest fears have been confirmed,” Vladimir Putin warned that the United States is on the verge of being controlled by Americans.

Speaking to reporters at the Kremlin, the Russian President alleged that President-elect Joe Biden was “the handpicked instrument of those who would seek to advance American interests.”

“Joe Biden is no more and no less than a puppet of the American people,” he charged.

“His Cabinet appointments have left little doubt that, after four years of progress, the United States has fallen into American hands,” he said. “Joe Biden is keenly aware that Americans put him in power, and he will do their bidding.”

Russia experts said that Putin’s remarks were as close to a concession speech as he is likely to make.

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